"Correspondence"
*inspired by events that were all too real
___________________________________________________________________________________
June 1
Dear Mr. Noble,
First and foremost, I would like to thank you for the 177th time for your benevolence and compassion in providing my family shelter at an affordable rate during a difficult time in our lives. Without your charity, we should find ourselves most certainly nomadic, at best. Your selflessness will certainly be rewarded in the distant future, be it by karma or by salvation.
I sincerely apologize for disturbing you with matters directly related to your responsibilities as my landlord, but I noticed a few unfortunate leaks in the roof during the most recent rainstorm. I would be more than willing to take care of the issue myself if you so desire; I simply want to maintain appropriate communication regarding the upkeep of your wonderful fourth house.
Most Sincerely,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
June 2
Dear Paul,
Regarding the aforementioned roof fissures: your inconveniences will cease by virtue of the same forces that you so kindly believe will one day reward my good deeds. By this, of course, I mean that once the sun shines again, your troubles will dry up. Continue to wait for the precipitation to desist or, at the very least, use duct tape until your lease ends on July 31st.
Best,
Aidan Noble
__________________________________________________________
June 4
Dear Kind Mr. Noble,
Thank you for your quick correspondence. I have no doubt that the sun will come to my assistance in the eventual; however, it is my understanding that all permanent home improvements should be approved and handled by the owner. Should the sun not return, God forbid, I do believe this leak will provide most unfortunate living conditions for my three children and wife.
Additionally, your comment regarding the end of my lease reminds me: I have just signed my letter of intent to return to my humble teaching job for the coming school year. At your convenience, I would like to discuss the renewal of our lease agreement.
God Bless and, again, thank you for everything.
Yours Truly,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
June 5
Dear Paul,
I appreciate your astronomical apprehensions regarding the maintenance of my fourth house; however, I assure you that the sun is not expected to burn out until the distant, distant future. Eons should pass long before the aforementioned aperture becomes a continuous issue.
Regarding the renewal of our lease agreement: I would like to begin by congratulating you on your latest career decision. I hope you find happiness in your professional endeavors. Sadly, I will be unable to renew your status as tenant of my fourth house for reasons of financial hardship.
Good luck finding a new place to lay your head, your family sounds truly lovely.
Best,
Aidan Noble III
__________________________________________________________
June 6
Dear Mr. Noble,
Many thanks for the congratulations on my career choice. I do feel that my chosen profession, though not providing a hefty compensation, is helping me to find joy in life. Shaping the lives of our future generations is a bittersweet responsibility that I feel is necessary to our survival as a society. I imagine that folks at your corporate board meetings discuss this frequently.
That said, I do feel it may be hard to fulfill my occupational obligations without appropriate living means. Shelter would seem to be a necessary condition for a dignified life in education as the homeless tend to be trivialized by the masses. I do sympathize with your financial circumstances, as the economy is currently a tragic mess; however, perhaps we can meet to discuss some sort of compromise. How does next week sound?
Respectfully,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
June 9
Paul,
Regarding your request to meet: I would love to sit down for a brief meeting to discuss your relocation from my fourth house. I am aware of the difficulties that come with moving a family, so the sooner we chat the better. My family is taking an extended vacation in Europe beginning this Sunday. We will be gone for two weeks touring France, Italy, and Spain. I will try to find a postcard in one of those marvelous countries to send to you and your lovely family.
Best,
Mr. Aidan Noble III
__________________________________________________________June 10
Dear Mr. Noble,
I thank you immensely for agreeing to meet within the next month. Do have a marvelous stay in Europe, I hear this time of year is lovely. What with the financial stress your family is undergoing, I hope that you find this extended sojourn a relaxing vacation from your woes.
Who knew my initial correspondence would be such a blessing, seeing as how the knowledge of my imminent eviction would have remained a complete mystery to my family and me indefinitely.
Patiently Awaiting,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
June 30
Dear Mr. Noble,
I hope your vacation was truly fulfilling. As my lease nears its end, my family and I have become eager to secure our future. I have located a smaller, comparably-priced apartment as a possibility for relocation; however, my desire is that some sort of middle ground is reached before it comes to such measures.
Contact me,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
July 4
Dear Mr. Noble,
I would like to wish your family a happy 4th of July! I imagine you will be spending much-needed family time together, considering the economic distress with which you have been dealing.
I was wondering if you have been receiving my recent letters. I am anxious to meet with you soon.
Thanks,
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________
July 9
Dear Mr. Scant,
Many thanks for the Independence Day wishes! I hope your family found peace and plenty on that day. I apologize for the lack of correspondence. My family had no idea just how lovely Italy was going to be, so we decided to extend our stay an extra three days. Once we got to France, the same thing happened! Before we knew it, our vacation went from two weeks to four! The airline fees were not too high to make the necessary itinerary adjustments, so we only slightly surpassed our expected expenses.
Re: our meeting. Let’s meet next week. I would like to answer any of your queries before the 31st, when your family needs to be out. Good luck packing and, if possible, please leave the place empty as can be. Ideally, it should look as though no human has ever set foot indoors before the new tenants arrive. They will greatly appreciate this.
Best,
Mr. Aidan Dominic Noble III
__________________________________________________________July 15
Dear Mr. Noble,
Thanks for meeting to hear my desperate pleas. Though the bar was loud and far from ideal for a discussion of such emotional magnitude, I do feel that we made the most of our ten minutes together. I understand that you are a busy person, so do not feel rueful for scheduling an oil change in such close proximity to the meeting that sealed the fate of my family’s crushed hopes and dreams.
We will do our best to leave the house in mint condition; however, it may be difficult to achieve your standards without my thirteen year-old son, who recently got a job to help us pay the deposit on our new abode. He even made extra money for working on the 4th! Our family missed him, but it just meant one less stomach to divide the loaf of bread and jug of water between.
Paul Scant
_________________________________________________________________________July 16
Dear Mr. Scant,
I thank you for your understanding regarding my oil change appointment two days ago. The inconvenience of hearing a low rumble in the engine of my Lexus would only further hinder our financial problems and leave my car in worse shape than your family’s trampled aspirations.
I am very sorry for the way our agreement has fallen apart. Though we were both under the impression that your family’s status as tenant would last into the indefinite future, an erratic economy has coerced us to seek market value for our fourth property. If it weren’t for our other three houses, we probably would have had to sell one of our eight automobiles! Thank God.
I’m sure your family will recover, especially after hearing the story about your motivated son. What a wonderful boy you’ve raised!Feel free to contact me with any other concerns.
Best,
Dr. Aidan Dominic Noble III
PS – On the day of your departure, please leave all house keys on the kitchen counter, as my family is traveling to Costa Rica. We will be back in early August--hopefully without too many sun burns!
__________________________________________________________July 31
Dear Mr. Aidan Dominic Noble III,
The keys are on the counter, the house is empty. Don’t mind the stench in the living room—it is nothing intentional, merely the natural scent of my family’s deceased and decomposing ambitions.
I leave this letter as my farewell. My only wish is that the aforementioned karma you have earned comes back around at some point in your hopelessly miserly life. In an ideal world, continuing to mask your temporary image-boosting deeds as charity would undoubtedly lead you to reap what you sow. Cheers to the status quo.
With Fingers Crossed,
Paul Scant & Family
a.k.a.
The Five Homeless People on the Southwest Corner of your lot of your lot
__________________________________________________________
August 3
Dear Mr. Scant,
I hope this letter finds you, as I have chosen to leave it under a rock on the previously indicated street corner. Do not worry yourself over the hideous odor left in the family room—I have hired three different cleaning companies to remove all traces of your family’s existence from my house.
Best,
Dr. Sir Aidan Dominic Noble III
___________________________________________________________________________________
June 1
Dear Mr. Noble,
First and foremost, I would like to thank you for the 177th time for your benevolence and compassion in providing my family shelter at an affordable rate during a difficult time in our lives. Without your charity, we should find ourselves most certainly nomadic, at best. Your selflessness will certainly be rewarded in the distant future, be it by karma or by salvation.
I sincerely apologize for disturbing you with matters directly related to your responsibilities as my landlord, but I noticed a few unfortunate leaks in the roof during the most recent rainstorm. I would be more than willing to take care of the issue myself if you so desire; I simply want to maintain appropriate communication regarding the upkeep of your wonderful fourth house.
Most Sincerely,
_________________________________________________________________________
June 2
Dear Paul,
Regarding the aforementioned roof fissures: your inconveniences will cease by virtue of the same forces that you so kindly believe will one day reward my good deeds. By this, of course, I mean that once the sun shines again, your troubles will dry up. Continue to wait for the precipitation to desist or, at the very least, use duct tape until your lease ends on July 31st.
Best,
Aidan Noble
June 4
Dear Kind Mr. Noble,
Thank you for your quick correspondence. I have no doubt that the sun will come to my assistance in the eventual; however, it is my understanding that all permanent home improvements should be approved and handled by the owner. Should the sun not return, God forbid, I do believe this leak will provide most unfortunate living conditions for my three children and wife.
Additionally, your comment regarding the end of my lease reminds me: I have just signed my letter of intent to return to my humble teaching job for the coming school year. At your convenience, I would like to discuss the renewal of our lease agreement.
God Bless and, again, thank you for everything.
Yours Truly,
Paul Scant
June 5
Dear Paul,
I appreciate your astronomical apprehensions regarding the maintenance of my fourth house; however, I assure you that the sun is not expected to burn out until the distant, distant future. Eons should pass long before the aforementioned aperture becomes a continuous issue.
Regarding the renewal of our lease agreement: I would like to begin by congratulating you on your latest career decision. I hope you find happiness in your professional endeavors. Sadly, I will be unable to renew your status as tenant of my fourth house for reasons of financial hardship.
Good luck finding a new place to lay your head, your family sounds truly lovely.
Best,
Aidan Noble III
June 6
Dear Mr. Noble,
Many thanks for the congratulations on my career choice. I do feel that my chosen profession, though not providing a hefty compensation, is helping me to find joy in life. Shaping the lives of our future generations is a bittersweet responsibility that I feel is necessary to our survival as a society. I imagine that folks at your corporate board meetings discuss this frequently.
That said, I do feel it may be hard to fulfill my occupational obligations without appropriate living means. Shelter would seem to be a necessary condition for a dignified life in education as the homeless tend to be trivialized by the masses. I do sympathize with your financial circumstances, as the economy is currently a tragic mess; however, perhaps we can meet to discuss some sort of compromise. How does next week sound?
Respectfully,
Paul,
Regarding your request to meet: I would love to sit down for a brief meeting to discuss your relocation from my fourth house. I am aware of the difficulties that come with moving a family, so the sooner we chat the better. My family is taking an extended vacation in Europe beginning this Sunday. We will be gone for two weeks touring France, Italy, and Spain. I will try to find a postcard in one of those marvelous countries to send to you and your lovely family.
Best,
Mr. Aidan Noble III
_________________________________________________________________________
June 30
Dear Mr. Noble,
I hope your vacation was truly fulfilling. As my lease nears its end, my family and I have become eager to secure our future. I have located a smaller, comparably-priced apartment as a possibility for relocation; however, my desire is that some sort of middle ground is reached before it comes to such measures.
Contact me,
_________________________________________________________________________
July 4
I would like to wish your family a happy 4th of July! I imagine you will be spending much-needed family time together, considering the economic distress with which you have been dealing.
I was wondering if you have been receiving my recent letters. I am anxious to meet with you soon.
Thanks,
_________________________________________________________________________
July 9
Dear Mr. Noble,
Thanks for meeting to hear my desperate pleas. Though the bar was loud and far from ideal for a discussion of such emotional magnitude, I do feel that we made the most of our ten minutes together. I understand that you are a busy person, so do not feel rueful for scheduling an oil change in such close proximity to the meeting that sealed the fate of my family’s crushed hopes and dreams.
We will do our best to leave the house in mint condition; however, it may be difficult to achieve your standards without my thirteen year-old son, who recently got a job to help us pay the deposit on our new abode. He even made extra money for working on the 4th! Our family missed him, but it just meant one less stomach to divide the loaf of bread and jug of water between.
_________________________________________________________________________July 16
Dear Mr. Scant,
I thank you for your understanding regarding my oil change appointment two days ago. The inconvenience of hearing a low rumble in the engine of my Lexus would only further hinder our financial problems and leave my car in worse shape than your family’s trampled aspirations.
I am very sorry for the way our agreement has fallen apart. Though we were both under the impression that your family’s status as tenant would last into the indefinite future, an erratic economy has coerced us to seek market value for our fourth property. If it weren’t for our other three houses, we probably would have had to sell one of our eight automobiles! Thank God.
I’m sure your family will recover, especially after hearing the story about your motivated son. What a wonderful boy you’ve raised!Feel free to contact me with any other concerns.
Best,
Dr. Aidan Dominic Noble III
PS – On the day of your departure, please leave all house keys on the kitchen counter, as my family is traveling to Costa Rica. We will be back in early August--hopefully without too many sun burns!
Dear Mr. Aidan Dominic Noble III,
The keys are on the counter, the house is empty. Don’t mind the stench in the living room—it is nothing intentional, merely the natural scent of my family’s deceased and decomposing ambitions.
I leave this letter as my farewell. My only wish is that the aforementioned karma you have earned comes back around at some point in your hopelessly miserly life. In an ideal world, continuing to mask your temporary image-boosting deeds as charity would undoubtedly lead you to reap what you sow. Cheers to the status quo.
With Fingers Crossed,
Paul Scant & Family
a.k.a.
The Five Homeless People on the Southwest Corner of your lot of your lot
__________________________________________________________
August 3
Dear Mr. Scant,
I hope this letter finds you, as I have chosen to leave it under a rock on the previously indicated street corner. Do not worry yourself over the hideous odor left in the family room—I have hired three different cleaning companies to remove all traces of your family’s existence from my house.
Best,
Dr. Sir Aidan Dominic Noble III
